The First
by Barcardivodka
Summary: You never forget your first kill. McKay/Team friendship. Short


Written for the LFWS Challenge

Many thanks to Jay and Mirth for beta-ing duties

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**The First**

_Rodney cried out in pain as the knife bit home, pain flaring, hot and sharp. His attacker pulled the knife back, aiming to stab again, somewhere more vital. Rodney's mind went blank with fear, he moved without conscious thought. His body knew all the moves, remembered all the lessons, how to block, where to hit, how to survive._

_His assailant suddenly staggered back, hands clawing at their neck as thick red blood pumped from the wound. Shock and disbelief warring for dominance on his face. He slumped to his knees, his hands falling away, blood spurting from the wound unheeded._

_Rodney took a step forward, as if to help, stopping as the assailant's eyes dully looked up at him. Shock and disbelief replaced with fear, he fell to the left, dead before he hit the floor._

_Rodney looked down at the knife in his hand, slick with blood. His hand shook as he dropped it, taking several faltering steps backwards, away from the body. His whole body started to shake._

_He had killed before; Wraith, Replicator, Hybrids, but he had never taken a human life. Not up close, hand to hand. To feel their warm blood coat his hands, to see their pain, their agony, as life trickled away._

_He turned and ran. Ran through the forest, stumbling over roots and the uneven ground, his breath catching in his throat as he fought down another sob..._

_"Rodney?"_

_A hand touched his arm, warm and alive...._

McKay woke with a start, wincing as pain shot through his injured arm. He looked up into the concerned eyes of Teyla, a small smile on her lips.

"You are safe on Atlantis. In the infirmary," she told him softly, straightening his blanket before sitting back down, reveling Ronon sitting next to her, playing Sheppard's Game Boy. McKay turned his head and met the steady gaze of Sheppard on the other side of his bed. War and Peace open on his lap.

"I ...," McKay started to say, a blush coloring his pale cheeks. "I dreamed I was back ...that I had ...over again." He shook his head and frowned as no more words came to mind. Teyla patted his arm.

"Mine was on a planet called Talis," she said quietly. "Wraith worshippers had stolen some of the village children and fled to the woods. I had traveled to the planet to trade in their markets. I offered my help in tracking them down, "she paused, looking down at her hands. "Their trail was easy to follow, it was littered with dead children," she looked back up, turning her gaze to McKay. "When we found them I was full of anger. When one of them managed to escape, I gave chase. I meant to kill them. But ..."she looked at Sheppard and then Ronon, before turning back to McKay. "I had not expected it to affect me so," she finished sadly.

"Sateda," Ronon said, breaking the silence that had followed Teyla's words. "Day before I joined up. Tavern fight. Nothing out of the ordinary," he shrugged. "Until I got a fluke hit in," he mimed the moved with his hand. "Should have ended with us drinking together, not him dead," Ronon shook his head. "Shouldn't have happened."

Sheppard closed his book with a thud. "First Special Ops mission. Had to take out a guard. Quick and quiet. The guy never saw it coming."

There was silence for a moment, as they remembered.

"I ... I was so scared," McKay whispered. "I don't know how I got ...how I ..."He took a breath. "I keep telling myself it was him or me," he looked up at the others. "It doesn't seem to help. Does it ever go away?" McKay asked almost desperately.

"No," Sheppard replied seriously.

McKay looked at him in horror. "Never?"

Sheppard was tempted to lie to McKay, to help ease his pain and guilt. To let him think that it would all fade away like a bad dream in the morning light. But if there was one thing McKay needed now more than their friendship, more than their support, was their honesty.

"You never forget your first kill," Sheppard replied unhappily.


End file.
